The past few weeks I have been feeling the urge to blog again; I cant believe its been three years since my last post! Last time was kind of an epic fail because I was focused on creating posts to update my family on events happening in our life, and not so much my random ramblings about stuff. That was all good in theory, minus the fact that my life isn't THAT exciting which equals nothing to post about. Therefore; I apologies in advance that this is now going to be a mixture of family updates and my random thoughts on life. I really need an outlet even if this ends up being only for me and no one reads it. Just bear with me.
Now that I have said I'm going to give my opinions on random things, I might as well just throw you all straight into the fire by re-starting with that. What I want to talk about today is shyness. Some may not believe it but I'm a shy person, painfully so. Just like my first days of elementary school, I get physically ill before anything. My first day at a new job, first time meeting new people, going to church by myself. I just cant...and its not that I don't want to. Ill admit I am SO jealous of the girls who have that infectious genuine looking smile, the ability to seem 100% interested in everything other people have to say, and can make friends everywhere they go. Life must be so much easier for them, but unfortunately I have been cursed with the gift of extreme honesty and I'm just far too transparent. You're probably wondering why I'm talking about this; although it has been a struggle my whole life, shyness has been rearing its ugly head again lately because of our *somewhat* recent move. Making a new group of friends is just the absolute worst. Luckily I have been FORCING myself to be friendly at work, go to church even if I am alone, and join a few local clubs *moms group, classes at the gym, bunco nights*, and although I fumble through the introductions and small talk of making new friends I have been fortunate enough to meet some really fantastic people here who I can only hope don't think I'm too much of a weirdo. But despite my best efforts I am STILL running into the problem I have been facing my whole life; people misinterpret quietness for being mean. I have already heard through the grapevine on multiple occasions that someone I met thought I was "mean" or "stuck up" or my favorite "a bitch". Whenever I hear something like that it genuinely hurts my feelings, because believe it or not, I hardly EVER intend to be mean to people. More then anything I want real genuine friends, and just like a little kid I get excited about the prospect every time I meet someone new. So please enlighten me on why I would walk around just being flat out being mean to people? After some reflection, I suppose I have found where I fall short.
#1 Small talk makes me want to scratch my eyes out! I HATE non sincere conversations. I don't want to talk about how I have been if its just a pleasantry and you're not really interested, and I sure as heck don't want to idly talk about the weather or sports. If you don't truly care to get to know me, or we just don't connect in conversations then we just don't. I would rather walk away. No hard feelings, not everyone is meant to be lifelong friends and I know that, but I guess that makes me mean.
#2 I'm not uncomfortable with silence. Sometimes I legitimately just don't want to talk. Maybe you came into my work and I put my book in the middle of a sentence to help you, and would rather go back to reading and let you enjoy your coffee and laptop in peace. Maybe I'm having a bad day and just don't want to get into a situation where you ask what's wrong. I'm the kind of person who is fine moping around until I talk about it. Once I have to say what's wrong out loud I WILL cry, and crying in front of people is very uncomfortable for me...its best just to let me be, but I guess that makes me mean.
#3 I have chronic bitch face. Smiling is just not natural for me unless something is funny. Why do people take this so personally? I do my best to force a smile every time I greet someone, but after that please don't be so self absorbed as to think I'm not continuing to walk around with a psychopath grin on my face because of you. Its not you. Its not anything. Its just that after said introduction is over I resume my regular face *because were being regular right?* which just happens to be bitchy. I'm sorry. It sucks to have a downfall that is a physical feature you cant fix. I cant magically fix my face or afford plastic surgery, but I guess that makes me mean.
Still, I don't quite know how to resolve this issue. In the weird world I live in people being genuine with each other is honorable and preferred, but I guess that's not exactly real life. People would rather have their butt kissed then make any true connections with people, and I'm still not sure if I can do that. I hate the inner turmoil of trying to decide if its just the cross I have to bear and I should get over it and stop letting my feelings get hurt, or if I need to grow up and join the ways of the real world as dirty and wrong as they might make me feel. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Until further notice I'm going to continue being that "mean stuck up bitch" that I truly don't think I am, and crying about it in my spare time. However, my message to everyone else in the world would be to stop judging people off of first impressions! You don't know them or their life, and really the only person who is being mean, stuck up, or bitchy is you by passing judgment so quickly. Unless they threw out their rape vibe, or actually said something confrontational to you, no one has the right to have an opinion on another until you have had AT LEAST three encounters. Fact of life for the day is: sometimes people are shy. We all have our different reasons, but one things that holds true for all cases is unkindness from others will only lower self esteem and produce even more shy people. There are plenty of us who are really truly tying, so please just cut a little slack, you might actually meet a really awesome new friend if you just slow down and give everyone a chance.
