Blogust Day 2/July Favorites

Hello everyone!

Day two of blogust is just going to be a July favorites post, which I had actually already planned to do regularly anyway. Soooo this is kind of a cop out post, but its already 12:42 a.m. I was too busy watching Divergent for the fourth time to think of anything exciting... Priorities. All that aside, here are my favorites from the month of July. :)

Favorite Purchase: Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE perfume. Like I legitimately own around fifty bottles, but I am sick to death of it wearing off in five seconds. I don't know if there is something weird about me, but good smelling things just don't seem to stick. So after some contemplating I decided I needed to layer the perfume products in order for it to stay, and I am happy to say it has worked! That's why my favorite purchase of the month is my French Lavender & Honey collection *body wash, lotion, perfume* from Bath and Body Works. Its soooo good! Check it out next time you're in one of their stores.

Favorite Book: This month I strayed away from my designated book club book and binge read the Vampire Academy series by Richelle Mead. They rocked my world! I even loved the movie! Totally worth the two hours of sleep a night for a couple weeks.

Favorite Movie: Divergent. My God. So amazing. Its really the only movie I've watched this whole month.

Favorite TV Series: Oh man, I am about to be judged so hard for this. Ill admit my TV watching life was pretty much ruined when the first season of Reign ended. Now I'm left floundering around watching weird stuff. I might be one of the only reminiscing 90's kid still watching Girl Meets World, but it really is so sweet... so cheesy and so sweet. That's why it has eared my sport for favorite TV show. I record it and love it. Cory and Topanga fan for life y'alls!

Favorite Moment: Last month we made our first trip down to Fillmore Utah to visit some of Dylon's family for the 4th. The whole trip was awesome, but my most favorite part of that was going to his grandma and late grandpa's house. Dylon's grandfather used to make/sell art made out of rock and wood. I've heard stories about how talented he was, but I NEVER would have guessed how true that statement was. He did some beautiful and unique work. If anyone is ever in Fillmore stop by the house with a whole bunch of art in the yard. His grandma still shows and sells the stuff; it would be a really fun family pit stop!

Favorite Bloggers: I haven't been reading a lot of blogs in the past month, but I have been subscribing to a lot of vlogs on YouTube to replace my lack of TV watching options. The award for favorite blog/vlog this month goes tooooooo *drum roll* DFW Crunchy Dad!!! This guy posts a "day in the life" video of his family everyday. Joel and his wife Lucy seem like great parents and they have adorable kiddos. They are conservative folk who have a lot of "crunchy/hippie" ideals when it comes to child rearing like Dylon and I do. That's why I love watching them. I really thought I was a montage of weirdness when it came to my views on things, so I'm glad I'm not alone. Also I'm a snoop and I think watching what people do in their daily lives is interesting.

That's it for my favorites. My question of the day is: What show would you recommend for me to start watching on Hulu? It needs to be something I can start from the beginning, which is becoming harder to find these days. Thanks for reading! Also, instead of the song of the day, I've added the intro video to DFW Crunchy Dad's channel for those who are interested in taking a gander. Have a good night everyone!

Blogust Day 1/Class Reunions Are Fun?

Welcome to Blogust everyone! A day late, but better late than never right? I didn't spend any time thinking this through before committing to post every day, so I cant tell you much on what to expect. I do know that ill be doing a book review for a friend's book that just launched on Audible! YAY! And will pprrroooobbably be doing a giveaway for a hard copy of it, so stay tuned for that. Besides the scheduled review, I'm sure ill have other books and movies to review also. I think ill be doing a question of the day, since I actually have a surprising amount of readers lurking, but I don't know who any of you are. This is my plan to try to lure you out *muhaha*. Really though, I have no idea, if YOU have any ideas let me know, otherwise you're stuck with my ramblings 90% of the time :)

Onto todays ramblings!

This weekend was Dylon's 15 year class reunion. Can you believe it?! We're getting deep into adulthood now.

Of course, my socially awkward self had a ridiculous amount of anxiety over it, but in the same breath was quite curious to learn more about his "before me life".

When it came down to time to go, all social interactions were completely weird. I'm 100% sure I seemed more weird than most, even though Dylon will deny it all day long. We did however group up with a few very nice couples, and things seemed to be going ok. I was at least comfortable with my table mates, and there was free Café Rio. Cant complain too much. We listened to some good ol 1999 music *mostly dorky rap*, stuffed our faces, and I eavesdropped on people catching up. I even won this fantastic picture in the silent auction. Hooray!

Even though things were going well, I will be the first to tell you it is flat out uncomfortable being one of the only out of towners at your spouses class reunion. People are judging you hard. No one can deny it. That's half the reason people go to reunions right? To see what everyone's adult life is all about.

I will also be the first to tell you that with my luck, it can definitely get worse than uncomfortable. And that's when the awards ceremony began... They had all kinds of normal awards; most kids, biggest college degree, longest married, but could I get any of those? Ohhh no! Of course not! They just had to have the "sugar daddy award" for biggest age gap in a marriage.

People started shouting out numbers, while I frantically muttered to Dylon "Don't say anything! Don't say anything!". But he said something... We had to go up, accept our award and get our picture taken. All the while I can feel peoples judging eyes boring into me. I could have thrown up. I'm surprised I didn't actually. It was the definition of awful.

For those of you who don't know, or don't want to do the math, Dylon is nine years older than I am. After five years of being together I literally never think about it anymore, until things like this come up. So my question for the day IS, how do you feel about age gaps *in adults*? Is it really all the bad or uncommon? Remember I want your real life opinions on these questions. You're not going to hurt my feelings, so leave a comment and lets see what the consensus is. I'm excited to learn! :) I will talk *type* to you all tomorrow, and until then Happy Blogust!

P.S. I think ill do a song of the day since I added one to my last post. Fun fact *not* Friday I am IN LOVE with folk music! If you haven't listened to Gregory Alan Isakov yet, do it now! Its some amazing-ness!

Sticking with Blogger/Homemaker Tag

Hey everyone! After a small blogging break I am back! Over the past month or so I have been TRYING to figure out what I want to do with this blog, as I am not a fan of Blogger. Maybe I'm somewhat challenged, but after 2 years of having this blog up and running in still not well versed on how to use this website. Actually I'm not any more informed then I was when I started. Frustrating. So, I've spent some time considering moving over to Wordpress, and even went as far as creating a page with them, but alas, its equally if not more confusing. I'm also tempted to just start vlogging on Youtube instead of writing, but well see, for now I'm sticking with Blogger, even if it does make me want to scratch my eyes out.
ANYWAY, onward to the actual point of this post. I was tagged to do the Homemaker Tag! Yay! I have to answer six questions about being a homemaker on my blog and then tag someone else to do it. I have no idea how or even if I can tag someone on here *thanks again Blogger*, so I will be giving a shout out to my victim on Facebook when I share. Alright here goes nothing :)

Homemaker Tag

Disclaimer: I do actually work two days a week just for fun, not money, apparently that doesn't count...

 

1. Growing up what did you see yourself doing?

First and foremost I have always envisioned myself as a homemaker. There is nothing else I have ever wanted more than to be a good wife and mother. Especially a mother; I actually always joked that if I weren't married by thirty I was going to throw in the towel and just start adopting kids on my own. Seriously though, that would have happened. However, in the field of an actual paying career, for the majority of my childhood I wanted to be a electuary school teacher. Later on in my teenage years, after my parents not so pleasant divorce I began to gravitate towards helping children in a more personal way, and changed my mind to child psychology, which is what I began going to college for. Someday when/if I go back to college I'm going to have the dilemma of what I want to be when I grow up all over again, because even though I'm halfway there with psychology, teaching is something that has always been close to my heart.   

 

2.What did your husband think when you decided to be a homemaker?

He didn't think anything, because it was his idea. When we married I was working for an afterschool program with local elementary schools, and going to college. After graduating I worked at a pediatric dentists office for a couple years, and then we had a surprising/rushed move out of state for Dylon's work. Once we got settled into our new life in Utah, I started looking for work, and that's when Dylon suggested I stay home or just work for fun *making coffee!*. This stemmed from the fact that we had both agreed during our engagement that it, in our opinion, was best I stay home once we had children. Right before the move I suffered from my first miscarriage, and even though we didn't have a child yet, it was apparent that it was in our near *sort of* future. Therefore, he didn't think it was worth me trying to find a job just to quit later.

 

3. Why do you think homemaking is so important?

Now I don't want to offend anyone, I am aware that staying home is not what works for every family, I am only speaking for our situation. Homemaking is important to me because I've always felt that if I were to have a family, I needed to be the one to take care of them. I feel its my responsibility as a mother to teach my children to be productive members of society, and although I don't want to shelter my kids from the realities of the world, I want to make sure I am there to help them understand it. I want to always be available to answer questions, lend a listening ear, and offer advice. Call me old fashioned, but its just not a responsibility I feel I should put on someone else.

 

4. How do you think your family would function if you went back to work?

Since I am working a little, I'm going to take this as "if I were working full time". I think we could make it work if necessary, but it would be hard. Dylon works long hours of physical labor, and therefore doesn't have the energy to help with a lot of housework. If there were two of us that tired I think we would both be worn ragged. Not to mention have you seen how much childcare costs?! With the field I have my degree in now, we wouldn't be much better off with me working after paying the daycare fees. I looked into it when we were living in Colorado and I would be making a grand total of $3 an hour... no thank you.

 

5. What are some things you've had to sacrifice in order to stay home?

Nothing really. As I mentioned above, that three dollars doesn't make that much difference in the long run. We've kind of set up our life to be this way from the beginning, since we knew its where we were headed. I guess if I had to choose something, I would say I have sacrificed the adult social time I used to get from going to work everyday.

 

6. Any advice you can give to women who want to become homemakers?

Don't think it will be easy. Being a stay at home mom can be hard, lonely, and there isn't a lot of room for failure with everyone you love the most relying on you to keep things in order. Make sure you and your husband are one the same page, and keep and lines of communication open on what you expect from each other. Lastly, stay motivated, keep a cheerful attitude, always make time for yourself, don't forget who you used to be, and what you used to love to do. Homemaking isn't forever, and you'll need those things to fall back on when the kids are older.

 

That's it! There is my homemaking tag. I'm going to continue to clean my house while listening to cheesy 80's music to keep motivated. Have a fabulous night everyone! Here's some music for your listening pleasures. *I plan on listening to this song on repeat until I hate it* :)



 



Viral Video Responce - Dont hate me for it

I tend to be overly opinionated/outspoken, so I was REALLY hoping to stay out of anything political, religious, or controversial but I just can’t let this one go. It’s been on my mind for the past week, and the only solution I can think of is to put it all out there. I want to clarify that everything I'm about to say comes from a good place inside of me, no matter how "judgmental" it may seem. As much as I love a good debate, I want to keep the atmosphere of my blog positive, and hope that can be respected.

I was sucked into watching a video that claimed it "WILL make you cry", because I am not a crier, I love watching these viral videos as a personal crying challenge. To my surprise I was linked to this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yAHCqnux2fk

A video about a little girl named Ryland, who at the age of two started showing interest in boy things *clothes, toys, etc.* and making comments that she was in fact a boy. Now at the age of five, with the help of her parents, she has fully embraced the transgendered life and made the transition into a "boy". I can gladly say that I didn't fail my no cry challenge, but I did get that awful sick feeling when I know it’s coming. However, not for the reasons most would think. I nearly cried during the video because I was sad for this poor girl and her family.

There are so many things that feel are so very wrong about this situation. I am no expert, that is a fact, but I like to think I have more training/experience working with children than the average Joe, and I just don't think this is right. For the sake of clarification; am I anti transgender? Absolutely not. Could Miss Ryland actually be transgendered? Sure. But five years old isn't the time to make that decision. We have the age of consent put into place for a reason, and even then the human mind isn't equipped to make full rational decisions. It is proven that the frontal lobes in the brain are not fully connected until your early to mid-twenties. This is the part of your brain that can comprehend if something is a good idea and what the consequences would be. Put plainly you are not capable of seeing "the big picture" until AT LEAST age 21.

There is a survey of mine from when I was in kindergarten in which I claim I wanted to be waitress when I grow up... A waitress? What? No. I had such little life experience and so little to draw from at five; I actually thought being a waitress was the end goal. Not to mention my thought process at two. I doubt I wanted to be anything when I grew up, I don't even know if I 100% knew I was going to grow up. I don't know, I might have wanted to be a giraffe, or a Barbie princess. I don't remember, but I can promise you it wasn't a gem full of rational thought.

That's what makes being a child so magical! That line between fiction and reality is still blurred, you can lay in the bathtub and envision yourself being a mermaid, you can eat dog food with the dogs because you are in fact "one of them", and you can wear boy clothes and play with trucks and pretend you're a boy. Why can’t this child be a child? This isn't the time to make big earth shattering decisions, it’s a time to have fun and be carefree, the growing up and finding your true self will come with time. Making such a big change at her age is extremely detrimental and borderline brainwashing.

Mind you, I do not believe that Ryland's parents are knowingly "brainwashing" their daughter, but I do believe that their bleeding hearts have been victimized by some crazy doctors. They are only trying to do what's right and make sense of the situation. Any loving parent would, but I don't think the bigger picture was taken into account. In the video they make mention that the suicide rate for transgendered people is very high because of lack of acceptance from society. I'm sure this is a sad truth. However, this is a problem that goes SO much deeper than people being allowed to dress like and partake in activities of the opposite sex. It is a problem concerning how society will treat you on a deeper level. Ryland's parents can’t really believe this is the end all and their daughter will be safe from the suicide statistic can they?

Fact of the matter is, when it comes down to it, no matter how supporting your friends and family are, there will always be people who aren't. What happens when Ryland goes to school? Since the family went public, keeping her true identity a secret from peers is out of the question. She will be bullied. As much as I hate to say it, children can be an awful force to be reckoned with. No matter how much we teach them kindness, we can only hope they uphold those standards when sent off to school and many of them wont. Fact is fact. Being bullied only leads children down the exact path that her parents are so desperately trying to avoid.

Also, what is she going to do when she wants to date? As a teen it never feels good being the kid that nobody wants to be with. Other girls or boys might not want to date her. Not even necessarily because they are intolerant, it could just be that they are uncomfortable with the situation. It is hard to be transgendered, but it is also hard to be the partner of one. There is a lot of courage required, and maybe she will find someone gracious enough to date her in high school, but while we're being honest, the chances aren't in her favor. Not feeling loved/liked ALSO leads teens down the path her parents are trying to avoid.

Lastly, there is always that chance that they were all wrong. This could in fact be a long phase. Puberty could hit and she could decide she wants to be girly, she could be a forever tomboy, she could be a lesbian, or she could be transgendered. There are so many options and outcomes from all of this. You think growing up transgendered can be tough? I can only imagine the judgment that would come with changing your mind. This is such a rocky road any way you put it, and should be treated with care and consideration, not in the public eye. The amount of ridicule received, if a second change were to be made, can’t help the avoiding suicide cause either.

I say all of these things, while keeping my own little girl in my mind. As a parent I think of everything in terms of "what I would do". If my Aria showed signs of wanting to be a boy I would entertain her interests, but we wouldn't be jumping with both feet into transgendered wagon. Not all girls have to wear girly cloths and play with dolls. I always want her to feel confident and accepted for who she is. I want our home to be a place where she will feel safe to share what's on her heart with her father and I. If one day she, as an adult, comes to me saying she is transgendered and has given it much consideration, I would accept and support her. I would weep for her, not for who she is, but because I know of all the challenges she will face. I would want to shield her from every blow I know would come, all the while knowing it is out of my control. It’s an awful, helpless feeling even just imagining.

Nobody wants hardships for their child. I am left wondering what the motivation for these parents are. Is the speaking out in the name of tolerance more important than the wellbeing of your child? Or are they just lost? I suppose we all as parents are just doing what we hope is best, and taking it day by day. I only wish that sweet Ryland will find her place in this world, and make it through unscathed, no matter what she chooses.

My Birth Story

Alright, alright, ill do this because I said I would. Honestly though, I just haven't wanted to. There is nothing glamorous or magical about this chain of events, and I'm not really wanting to tell it.
I had planned on going into my first birth with an open mind. I didn't think I cared how things went as long as everyone made it out unscathed, and for the most part that was true, but I didn't realize my idea of childbirth would be derailed so badly.
After spending months taking Hypnobirthing classes, I was feeling confident in my abilities to birth. I wanted miss Aria to have every chance possible to come into this world has naturally and stress free as possible, but then Dylon's work decided to send him off out of town ten hours away. I had hoped that Aria would magically know to come during one of the weeks that her daddy would be home, but after my due date came and went it was apparent that wasn't going to be the case.
My doctor presented me with the options to either forgo my plans of having things be natural and induce my labor, or wait and have her alone. There wasn't any question that having my husband by my side was the best option, however, I did feel disappointed and scared that things were already not going as planned.
So with the decision made, we headed to the hospital the next evening. When I arrived I was 1 centimeter dilated and 0% effaced. Aka Aria had no plans on coming out anytime soon. They gave me Cervidil that night in hopes that my cervix would be softened by morning. It wasn't. There was no change at all, and so from there we started on Pitocin to get my contractions going. Nothing happened. From there they decided to break my water, and that finally worked, but not really. My contractions were more intense and hard then they would have been naturally because of the Pitocin, and it still took 19 hours to even get dilated from a 1 to a 5. By then I was throwing up/dry heaving with every contraction because I was so tired and hungry, so I decided to waist my $200 Hypnobirthing class and get an epidural. By then I was so exhausted I was practically begging for the anesthesiologist to come, but known my luck he was in a surgery and I had to wait two more hours before he would be available. Once I got it, it only took on one side of my body, and no matter what we did with changing positions and upping the dosage it would not take on the other side. It did however, take the edge off enough that even though I still felt nauseous I wasn't sick anymore. AND apparently taking that edge off was just what I needed, because I went from a 5 to ready to push in 45 minutes. My doctor explained that some people cant relax enough to let their bodies dilate without the epidural. However, I still think I could have used the techniques I had learned in birthing class to relax enough if I could have stopped throwing up, but it is what it is. In hindsight I'm a little disappointed I put myself through 19 hours of labor just for the sake of trying to be a warrior. It could have been a much more enjoyable experience if I had just put away my pride and gotten the epi as soon as it was available.
Once it was time to push, my doctor was busy delivering another baby so my nurses kept trying to coax me to push but not "too hard". After a while the nurse had to rush to get my doctor because Aria's heart rate was dropping and we couldn't wait any longer. I pushed for two hours, she got stuck, and her heart rate dropped again. We had to emergency use the suction cup along with my pushing, in a last ditch effort to get her out without having to go into C-section. Once she was finally out she was rushed away from me because she had aspirated on a bowel movement that came out during birth because of the stress she was under.
I just laid there, and no one told me what was going on. According Dylon, it was really scary. She was having a hard time breathing and they had to shove tubes down her throat and in her nose to get her going. I know this should have been a scary time for me, but honestly after 22 hours of labor, it didn't even occur to me to wonder why they didn't give her to me or why she wasn't crying. I just waited, and finally they brought her over. I didn't have that overwhelming feeling of love. I don't think I was even capable of emotion by that point, but I do remember thinking she had crazy long fingers and the cutest little dimples.
After things calmed down, we bonded, and I loved her. She is a cutie pie, and even though her birth was probably a version of one of the worst scenarios I could think of, I am so happy to have her. I am also unbelievably grateful to God that we had the protection and strength to overcome the things that could have taken a turn for much worse. She really is a blessing, and I wouldn't trade her for anything, but I do hope things go a little more smoothly next time around. :)

Mommy Judgement Is Brutal

I had every intention of finding the time to share my birth story for this next post, but after a rough couple of days I have been inspired to blog about this instead. * I will do my birth story next. Promise* Go figure I magically find free time when I am angry... So here goes nothing. I am sick to death of mommy judgment. As someone who hasn't ever really "fit in" I suppose I was under this weird impression that once I became a mom I would have this new comradery with other mothers. I always fantasized about making new friends, getting the kids together for play dates, supporting each other through the daily struggles of having children, and I don't know, just being...happy? Wrong. Apparently the world of catty women doesn't change with circumstance or age.
Since the day I announced I was pregnant and people started asking questions about my parenting preferences I have been continuously blindsided by negative comments and judgment. I cant help but wondering "where is this coming from?!". Its not like I plan to abuse or neglect my child in any shape or form, so shouldn't I get a pat on the back? There will always be judgment, and I am not above it either. I can admit I have friends who occasionally make decisions with their children that I would never make, BUT I don't feel the need to verbally critique them. My way isn't the right way. There is no such thing as a right way if we are all doing our best. We have different lives, different family dynamics, different personalities, so how could I ever be so cocky as to think I can tell others they are wrong? How could you tell me I'm wrong? If I'm debating on feeding my child cyanide please by all means, pose an intervention. But, I'm not considering something like that.
I am however no longer breastfeeding, I am cloth diapering, I am making my own baby food, I want to try to give birth med free someday, I lost my baby weight fast, I don't believe in attachment parenting, Sometimes I'm going to let my kids cry, I am entertaining the idea of homeschooling, I am nervous about vaccinations, I will pierce my baby girls ears, and I will raise my kids in church. These are only the arguments/judgments I can think of offhand that have happened in these short 10 months, and I know there are more I'm forgetting.
Even thought I'm too prideful to show it, I have to admit my feelings are hurt. I have cried, questioned my own principals, and in turn gossiped and said horrible things in return out of frustration. However, I don't think its fair for me to become bitter and judgmental because others are. Fact of the matter is I am beyond elated to be a mother and I wont have that experience cheapened by negativity.
I still look forward to finding my place in this new mommy world. I know it will happen eventually, but ill have to exercise caution with who I let in. I only hope that other moms will stand their ground also. We are all doing the best we can with what we've got. Being a mom isn't always glitter and unicorns, it can be lonely and really hard. We need each other for support. We are an elite group. No one can fully understand until they have gone through it themselves, and we all need to keep that in mind before we jump on our soapbox and start the unsolicited preaching.

I'm Going To Start Blogging Again...I Think / A Rambling For Your Enjoyment

The past few weeks I have been feeling the urge to blog again; I cant believe its been three years since my last post! Last time was kind of an epic fail because I was focused on creating posts to update my family on events happening in our life, and not so much my random ramblings about stuff. That was all good in theory, minus the fact that my life isn't THAT exciting which equals nothing to post about. Therefore; I apologies in advance that this is now going to be a mixture of family updates and my random thoughts on life. I really need an outlet even if this ends up being only for me and no one reads it. Just bear with me.

Now that I have said I'm going to give my opinions on random things, I might as well just throw you all straight into the fire by re-starting with that. What I want to talk about today is shyness. Some may not believe it but I'm a shy person, painfully so. Just like my first days of elementary school, I get physically ill before anything. My first day at a new job, first time meeting new people, going to church by myself. I just cant...and its not that I don't want to. Ill admit I am SO jealous of the girls who have that infectious genuine looking smile, the ability to seem 100% interested in everything other people have to say, and can make friends everywhere they go. Life must be so much easier for them, but unfortunately I have been cursed with the gift of extreme honesty and I'm just far too transparent. You're probably wondering why I'm talking about this; although it has been a struggle my whole life, shyness has been rearing its ugly head again lately because of our *somewhat* recent move. Making a new group of friends is just the absolute worst. Luckily I have been FORCING myself to be friendly at work, go to church even if I am alone, and join a few local clubs *moms group, classes at the gym, bunco nights*, and although I fumble through the introductions and small talk of making new friends I have been fortunate enough to meet some really fantastic people here who I can only hope don't think I'm too much of a weirdo. But despite my best efforts I am STILL running into the problem I have been facing my whole life; people misinterpret quietness for being mean. I have already heard through the grapevine on multiple occasions that someone I met thought I was "mean" or "stuck up" or my favorite "a bitch". Whenever I hear something like that it genuinely hurts my feelings, because believe it or not, I hardly EVER intend to be mean to people. More then anything I want real genuine friends, and just like a little kid I get excited about the prospect every time I meet someone new. So please enlighten me on why I would walk around just being flat out being mean to people? After some reflection, I suppose I have found where I fall short.
#1 Small talk makes me want to scratch my eyes out! I HATE non sincere conversations. I don't want to talk about how I have been if its just a pleasantry and you're not really interested, and I sure as heck don't want to idly talk about the weather or sports. If you don't truly care to get to know me, or we just don't connect in conversations then we just don't. I would rather walk away. No hard feelings, not everyone is meant to be lifelong friends and I know that, but I guess that makes me mean.
#2 I'm not uncomfortable with silence. Sometimes I legitimately just don't want to talk. Maybe you came into my work and I put my book in the middle of a sentence to help you, and would rather go back to reading and let you enjoy your coffee and laptop in peace. Maybe I'm having a bad day and just don't want to get into a situation where you ask what's wrong. I'm the kind of person who is fine moping around until I talk about it. Once I have to say what's wrong out loud I WILL cry, and crying in front of people is very uncomfortable for me...its best just to let me be, but I guess that makes me mean.
#3 I have chronic bitch face. Smiling is just not natural for me unless something is funny. Why do people take this so personally? I do my best to force a smile every time I greet someone, but after that please don't be so self absorbed as to think I'm not continuing to walk around with a psychopath grin on my face because of you. Its not you. Its not anything. Its just that after said introduction is over I resume my regular face *because were being regular right?* which just happens to be bitchy. I'm sorry. It sucks to have a downfall that is a physical feature you cant fix. I cant magically fix my face or afford plastic surgery, but I guess that makes me mean.
Still, I don't quite know how to resolve this issue. In the weird world I live in people being genuine with each other is honorable and preferred, but I guess that's not exactly real life. People would rather have their butt kissed then make any true connections with people, and I'm still not sure if I can do that. I hate the inner turmoil of trying to decide if its just the cross I have to bear and I should get over it and stop letting my feelings get hurt, or if I need to grow up and join the ways of the real world as dirty and wrong as they might make me feel. I guess we'll just have to wait and see. Until further notice I'm going to continue being that "mean stuck up bitch" that I truly don't think I am, and crying about it in my spare time. However, my message to everyone else in the world would be to stop judging people off of first impressions! You don't know them or their life, and really the only person who is being mean, stuck up, or bitchy is you by passing judgment so quickly. Unless they threw out their rape vibe, or actually said something confrontational to you, no one has the right to have an opinion on another until you have had AT LEAST three encounters. Fact of life for the day is: sometimes people are shy. We all have our different reasons, but one things that holds true for all cases is unkindness from others will only lower self esteem and produce even more shy people. There are plenty of us who are really truly tying, so please just cut a little slack, you might actually meet a really awesome new friend if you just slow down and give everyone a chance.